rheumatoid arthritis · The Difficult Days · Thoughts

Innermost Thoughts

I wonder if I’ll ever feel a sense of improvement or just a day where I’m not going to bed or waking up in pain. Those are things that I definitely took for granted prior to becoming sick. I even assumed that medicine would help me. When it comes down to it, I truly feel that nothing has made me feel “better”.  I take all of these medications with the intent to feel my symptoms disappearing, and it just doesn’t work.

The last two nights have been pure hell. I take sleep medication, yet my pain has been trumping the power of it. I have had sudden swelling in my fingers which is totally unbearable and chronic. My neck and back pain are competing with it. I tried to sleep with three separate ice packs in the different affected areas along with pain medication, and I felt no relief. I contemplated going to the hospital for the purpose of having doctors around me to tell me what to do. Luckily, my fiancé filled in and tried to calm me down as best as he could.

I can tell when he reaches a point where he truly feels that he doesn’t know how to take my pain away, and this was one of those times. I furiously searched through the internet to find out why this was happening if I am taking Enbrel. I ended my search when it led me to believe I am experiencing a flare up, but I truly do not know. 

I am at day three of pain and inflammation. I can’t keep up with switching my ice packs from freezer to body. I barely slept last night; my body so badly wanted the rest but at the same time is battling this off putting flare up. If this is any indication of what my entire summer will be like, I absolutely will not be able to tolerate it. 

How can I go to my physical therapy sessions to try to help my spine when I can’t close my hands and make a fist? My hands are weak, and it brings me back to the first time I ever felt the horrible pain in my hands. I was in the shower one day and couldn’t squeeze the shampoo bottle because of pain and weakness. Yet, it is two and half years later, and with meds, but I feel the way I did when I was on nothing.

This shouldn’t be happening. If it is a sudden flare up, for how long can I expect it….weeks, months? I wish I had the answers, and that is a big part of having autoimmune illnesses. You spend so much time asking yourself why me and how did I get this, but in the end, you have to push those thoughts aside or else they will destroy you. 

Right now, this is my one way of getting out all of what I am thinking. My racing thoughts will not subside, but I can feel comfort in processing these things on virtual paper. 

To all of those out there who have felt improvement in your lives in dealing with disease, I am so happy for you, and at the same time I envy you. 

Wishing for better days ahead…..


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