The Difficult Days

My War Within

I’m having one of those “why me” days. I am not in the least bit a selfish person, but every once in a while, I wonder why life has taken me in this direction. It’s hard not to wonder why life keeps getting worse and constantly putting more road blocks in my way.

I really don’t talk to my support system of people about this. I envy those that are well and are living life to the fullest. I always feel really bad complaining about what I am going through when there are others out there battling cancer or those who have fought for our country and lost limbs as a sacrifice for us. On the other hand, I tell myself that I am allowed to feel this way sometimes. My life IS hard when it comes down to it. 

My birthday is coming up, and I can’t believe that a year has flown by so quickly. It always hits me hard when I think about how stagnant my life has been in a year…how I never actually feel better. I’m beginning to accept that maybe this is my life forever. However, I find it hard to accept why life picked me out of everyone to go through these obstacles. 

What started out as a diagnosis for Rheumatoid Arthritis became the added pleasure of having Sjogren’s disease and fibromyalgia. Then, I developed severe depression and hard and scary bouts of anxiety. Next came the findings that I have herniated discs in my neck and lower back, which then led me to grueling physical therapy twice a week. With physical therapy not necessarily working, I am not on the quest to find a Pain Management doctor for the past two months in addition to continuing the physical therapy. I was also recently sent for a sleep study to try and pinpoint where my excessive fatigue is coming from. 

I mean….it just doesn’t stop. I can’t breathe. Always being seen as a weak person, I have at least proven to myself that I am fucking strong. I used to cry each time something new developed in my health, but now I laugh to try and subside my tears from flowing. This is what leads me to question WHY. 

Why me? What did I do to deserve this? What brought about all of this? Will this be for forever? Why not give all of this to an individual who has done harm in the world? Why do good people suffer? 

My questions are nonstop. They roam my head all day. They are what cause me the anxiety at night. Not having answers kills me. I am so tired and angry in this life. My fatigue remains a constant, a very horrible constant in my daily battle, and it prevents me from being able to do things. My pain management comes out at night causing me to not be able to sleep. My depression lurks all day and everyday, constantly causing me to feel that I live such a worthless life, not being able to contribute my intelligence anywhere or giving me a sense of purpose. 

Each time something new and difficult is added to my life, it feels like a car accident. I wish I had nerves of steel and could be unaffected. 

Don’t ever feel like you do not have reason to feel upset or complain. We are all battling our own war within. 

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