Fighting For Us · invisible illness · The Difficult Days

Explain Myself Again Or No?

I find it devastatingly rude when people decide to give someone with a chronic illness advice on something that they are never around to witness.  I will not get into specifics, but I will say that one day I might implode from keeping shit inside. 

Just because I am not dealing with visible diseases does not mean that nothing exists within me. I don’t know how many times I have to say this to people, but I think it will be a forever thing, and what’s more is that I think one day I won’t be able to bite my tongue and might really have it out with someone. 

I guess this will be my next topic in therapy, although it is one that I’ve talked about numerous times before already. I fume at the thoughts of someone thinking that I seem okay. I rage at the thoughts of someone thinking my calendar is open and filled with TV watching. 

I want to make pamphlets to hand out every time someone offends me to speak my mind. How I keep a seemingly nice face through the anger is beside me.  My life is a fucking wreck. I do a hell of a job putting a smile on my face in front of people. If you see me for a few hours and I can talk with others and sit in a chair with my pet dog, that does not mean that my diseases vanished. 

I am so tired of explaining myself and my life only for people to ignore my reality. I am tired of defending myself, trying to make you see what I am going through. I am SICK. If I could work I would. If I could not have to take a shot in my leg weekly, I would. It is a horrible thing to say, but I do, at times, wish I could have something that people could visibly see. 

I have endless pages of bloodworm and MRI’s if anyone is still doubting me. I have pages that I have brought into therapy with me describing my saddest thoughts. Still not enough? I go to physical therapy for 3 hours per session twice a week to give me any sort of relief from my pain in my neck and lower back. I am seeing a pain management doctor next week, hopefully to get shots in my neck. I am in the process of trying to get another sleep study done because there could be a chance that I have narcolepsy. Let’s not forget the pills I have to take just to be able to get any type of sleep at late. 

Why do I have to explain myself? Do we live in an age where people do not take each other’s word as being the truth? There may be a lot of liars out there playing the system, but that is not me and never will be. My life is functionless and worthless. I’d do anything to go back to pre-sickness me. 

Why do I let people bother me? It purely hurts. I am super sensitive, so it is my nature to get very easily offended. I do not believe we live in a society where others decide for you what would be best for you and have the nerve to present you with their ideas. 

I am so fed up. I hate this life. I wonder why I was the chosen one. 

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